fuck, i never want to drink again I drunk dialed matt last night and broke up with him the second night in a row. FUCK QUADFEST
i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
Just wana tell you im wearing assless jorts tonight. Ive been waiting my whole life for this.
chlamydia ends and my period begins. this isnt real life
when she started singing "you look better when im drunk" to my cat i realized it was time to take her home
All i've had today is coffee and ketchup packets. I need a job like yesterday.
I feel like a monkey keeps fucking me in the ear with a trombone as a dick.
Cause its not a drunken adventure unless someone ends up in a pool
The beer shits the day after completing the World Beer Tour at Epcot are just as epic as the tour itself.
The bad news is that I stole all your drugs. The good news is that ITS KICKING IN!
I worked all year for this tax return. I deserve to get my nipples pierced.
I just masturbated while watching Say Yes to the Dress
This is what my life has come to
Life should not be this hard with a dick this big.
Cat needed to get out last night. Walking to the door was too much effort so I encouraged (pushed) him to leave via window.
Isn't your room on the second floor?
.......do you have the salami in bed? I'm trying to make a sandwich.
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