Flowers- 20. Dinner-50. Drinks- 25. Hotel- 150. The look on his face when I tell him I'm on my period? Priceless.
i feel like a thai whore the morning after the navy left.
I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.
I want to be a cop.
Hey, I can't get ahold of Tommy. Let him know his ex-girlfriend is pregnant.
The guy in front of me got in the club with his green card, that's awesome
My mom woke me up in a bubble bath this morning.
he asked my vagina if she was excited to meet Leonard. LEONARD. His fuckin penis is named Leonard.
You chanted SOFA PIZZA all night then we woke up to find about ten slices under the cushions where you were sleeping....
Thank god for makeup because it looks like someone took a shit on my face
I don't know what possessed you to do that, but you have to give the stripper more money before you try to check her oil or they are going to throw us out every time you do that.
there is a hole burned clean through my text book on forestry law and I saw you walking around with a blowtorch last night. Hope you have $160 on ya...
It's Christmas, you should know what a virgin is.
Don't remember our skype call last night too well, but did I pee while skyping you?
There's a hole in our hallway wall. Don't hate me. I'll fix it. It's only about the size of a beach ball. I promise to never scale walls in our apartment ever again. Don't hate me. I love you.
Some guy is here to get laser hair removal on his balls. I hate my job.
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