Have fun fixing the bed from last night Bob Villa.
At least you didn't call me Brittany this time
In a world where you don't want your phone to pocket dial your parents at 2 in the morning while you're running around Florida shitfaced, Droid does.
went for icecream. accidentally deepthroated it. my mom gave me a dirty look, but the kid behind the counter looked impressed
she said we were using the spray butter as air freshener
Brought 2 entire pizzas with to the bar, everyone loves us
I only want to make out with him. Unless I get hungry. In that case I will take him home and screw him as a distraction from eating.
Those two lesbians inspired me. A whole new way to roll. Fuck shots. Gallons of vodka is the new tequila.
Because its Monday... And I'm determined to just be drunk for the rest of the semester
Masturbated before I came into work and now the finger scanner won't clock me in. Fuck Valentines Day.
this st patricks day sucks
ill send jameson via bank tube 150+ miles
There's no winning that game with me. It's either "Can I walk home at the end of the night," or "am I throwing up trying to sleep in the front yard." Rules are irrelevant.
So far I consider it a great summer because I have had to buy Plan B a total of zero times
I just hip-checked Santa and stole his cab.
Just asphyxiate me and toss my corpse in the Ocean. It'll be easier than whatever the next four or eight years will bring.
Is it weird that I have your number saved in my phone as baby Jesus?
Randomize
