Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
i just bought ciggarettes using my court citation as id. I've reached an all time low.
look, i may have sacrified a 20% assignment for a sprite. this is what hangovers do to me.
Just got a call at work, I have to consent to a random drug and alcohol test by end of business day, if you arranged this it's the best/worst April fools prank ever.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i knew you were okay when you wanted to eat in the ambulance
You graduated two years ago... You can't keep using spring break as an excuse.
There's just something about a dollar tree pregnancy test that screams THIS WASNT PLANNED!
Well, I wanted to be you for Halloween but I couldn't fit seven dicks in my mouth.
I've wasted nicer days than this hungover and dry heaving in bed.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
she has like 12 pairs of underwear people left at her house from the other night
Nothing says I'll be 22 tomorrow like washing the vomit out of your hair at 4pm
I'm closer to stabbing a fork in my neck than finishing this resume.
The bald guy bought me a shot so I chugged it and then walked out to the middle of the dance floor and told an old woman that might be your moms twin to bend it over...We didn't end on a good note though. Dude she stepped on my vans.
Sally, Your mom and my mom hooked up in college, we must uphold this tradition.
He can't say no, it's my spiritual goddamn quest.
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