Are you seriously drinking already? It's 11AM. Still morning.
I'm going by McDonald's time. And since they stop serving breakfast at 10:30 and start serving lunch, it is now afternoon.
seems the shocker is way more shocking if u get the fingers wrong
So stoned I forgot I was masturbating and went to go get a cookie.
I'm bringing in a picture of a stranger on facebook to get my haircut. I have reached a new level of creepy.
You asked my mom "who the fuck drives four hours to sleep in a guys bed and not touch his penis"
I can hear the condescending tone from the atm when it asks if $3 is all I would like to deposit
everyone contributed. i held her hair back, he rubbed my vag... it was a team effort.
Running late for a date because I couldn't get my clothes out from under the dude I spent the night with in time to leave when I planned. This is my life.
As he was going down on me, I looked over his shoulder and said "ohh a Christian mingle commercial is on"
He's getting Easter eggs filled with weed or Jell-O shots for his birthday
At this point all my Tinder matches are telling me I'll be fucking the whole male population of UMass '17.
He painted a swimsuit on me. Naked day at the lake was a success.
Let's drink tonight I promise I'll make it out of the house
Next time we smoke please remind me to put my bong back in my build a bear box. My mom says if I leave it out one more time she's keeping it for herself.
My younger brother asked me "to stop fucking his girlfriends older sisters"
Randomize
