Whyyyyy do my fingers smell like Chinese food.
Apparently I took one a huge picture off the wall at the bar and was walking around dancing with it..
I left the guinea pigs on the dryer. Make sure to take care of them.
Note to self: do not ride giant beanbag chair down stairs.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I just power puked in the office bathroom.. blew blood vessels in my eyes and now I'm ready for a donut.... success
My mom just gave me my fake back to buy her more wine.
I AM OFFERING YOU ALCOHOL AND THE CHANCE TO LET ME SAY FUCK IT TO MY RESPONSIBILITIES. HOW MANY TIMES DOES THIS HAPPEN?!
Just watched my entire extended family eat salad out of the bowl i threw up in last night.
What does it say about my expectations if I'm pounding three beers the hour before a date?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
The fact that it was "anything but a cup" now explains the cowboy boots and fishbowl aftermath at the apartment.
Just told myself the phrase "You're not THAT single" while dressing myself
STOP PUTTING PICTURES OF JONAH HILL IN MY KITCHEN CABINETS!
I HAVE A FLAME THROWER. COME SEE IT. IT’S SAFE AND WORKS.
I swear I get as excited about the sound of a condom wrapper as my cat gets when she's getting a can of food.
Hey do you or anyone you know want to get drunk for free? At 4pm tonight at rctc for field sobriety training for future cops
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