I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
Well we ran into the cornfields when the cops got there. We'd been hiding in there for 45 mins when he asks me "So this wasn't exactly how I'd planned this but I thought I'd ask. How do you feel about oral sex?"
I don't know what's more pathetic, the fact that you dated him or the fact that it took a Taylor Swift song for you to break up with him.
we turned studying into a drinking game, she drinks when she gets it right, i drink when she gets it wrong. so we'll be out soon
And then I asked the bartender for my third shot and he told me he had to cut me off at two because this was in fact a family fun center
Vodka?
Forever.
I'm just gonna start letting dudes eat it. American idol for my vagina
I forgot I did whipits. Probably because my brain cells were killed from the whipits
He has no idea he's waking up in slut palace tomorrow morning
His roommate walked in then asked "well did you at least finish". What a way to start your birthday
Enjoy the penises
I've never had to kick an employee out of bed to go to work before.
Thanks for ruining my life with your man penis
I think that living in the "now" is the worst fucking ghandi buddha whatever advice bc that means I'm just gonna get drunk in the now.
You're a brave, albeit stupid soul for wanting in on the fuckery that comes attached to my vagina
Randomize
