my three year anniversary of no dick sucking is coming up. you can throw me a party with a penis cake.
Got one of only two perfect scores in the class on the quiz I took drunk. This is not a good thing for me to have learned about myself.
Just saw a field sobriety test being administered at 730 am, I now know I do not have a drinking problem
We're gonna have the chick that teaches kindergarteners to fold origami roll the joints.
no i had to finish in the bathroom to a pic of her mom in a bikini.
Idk yet. Trying to convince him to get a phoenix bird tattoo first
You made out with two different species that night
Dude you asked your tattoo if it wanted to go swimming
I am disappointed by everyone's lack of ability to dance on a stripper pole:(
where will you be at 9:30 tonight?
piledriving you in your roommate's bed?
drying my bra with a hair dryer wasn't exactly how I had planned on starting my day.
Banging to Billy Joel pandora is like russian roulette. But I made him cum to Let It Be so I we both walked away victors
I just drunk texted the Italian guy and now I’m flooded with Shane. Uh, shame, not Shane. He sounds nice, though.
She's so high she just screamed into the pile of takeout boxes "which one of you gave me diarrhea"
The girl at the liquor store remembered me as "the girl who pays in hundreds" so she didn't ID me
Randomize
