i woke up with a shirt on. the kids in my daycare group had a lot of questions when i took off my shirt at the pool to reveal "property of brittany" written on my chest and an arrow pointing to my dick.
after you took your Demerol you started flying around and talking like the robot ship on the movie Stealth. then you licked my iPhone and declared the mission a success.
its raining. im dressed as yoda and im trick or treating alone. and i wonder why im still a virgin..
Yeah, I was googling pictures of sharks, and I accidentally typed "shart." Huge mistake.
if he wont fuck me on the stairamster then i dont think theres much XXX shit going down
I changed the background on my phone to a picture of you so whenever I go to look at porn or text another girl I'll have second thoughts
Am I supposed to find that romantic?
I have hit nutritional rock bottom I am spreading peanut butter on to lays potato chips
Well, somebody (me) put on reindeer antlers, crawled around on the floor, and meowed at people... So yeah, I'd say it was "one of those nights"
You were chugging tap water out of a running blender screaming "bubbles is Perrier mother fucker"
My mom just asked me if I can obtain a fake ID by thursday
I dont know it just seems wrong to fuck her on my exes back porch
LETS THROW SHIT OFF THE PORCH
If you're not my stylist, having sex with me, or agreeing to have sex with me don't fucking touch my hair.
At least get laid and waffle fries out of it you whipped basterd
His mom just pulled off a quadruple cockblock. I'm not sure if I'm mad or impressed?
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