new low, i just stole money from my 5 year old sister to buy condoms
then we talked for a little and he asked my last name which since I have yet to get a fb request I'm 95% sure its for a restraining order
he said "cool" when i took off my bra and proceeded to stare wideeyed at them the ENTIRE time. it was like sleeping with the kid i showed my boobs to for the first time in 6th grade.
Whatever. I'll let someone else deal with his flacid penis.
I'm at verizon, the guy asked me why my phone is full of seeds. Deff. Not leaving my phone with you anymore.
Margaritas are 250 calories. Now measuring all food in margaritas
I'm sorry that spending new years with you was fucking my boyfriend in your bathroom multiple times
I feel like I ran a fucking marathon on my knees last night and there are bruises to prove it.
My chest hair is, as we speak, arching upward to embrace my neck beard. The union will be a storied one.
You brought a jar of mayonnaise to bed. It doesn't get any worse than that.
I'm disease and pregnancy free. This is an Easter for the books!
I walked out in my coconut bra, and that's when it all went downhill.
Sorry I yelled at you and called you Amish and puked on your eggs
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
I was sitting down, taking a piss with a boner, her cat walked into the bathroom and walked up to my legs, I sneezed and pissed all over her cat through between the toilet seat and bowl, it ran off screeching. She thought I peed on her cat on purpose. Kicked me out
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