I wanna crawl in your skin and have dreams about Bobby Kennedy tonight.
You had a beer at 10:30 this morning?
Ya, I didn't have any Tylenol.
Sometimes I get depressed that my son is too young to understand how hot his babysitter is.
I'm currently blowing up the downstairs bathroom at work. I wish I could foursquare this.
he ran me a hot bath. i thought i was in a pot and was going to be eaten. i was strangely ok with this
FYI the landlord called, said we need to clean the puke off the side of the house...was someone on the roof lastnight??
there's sperm and chicken noodle soup everywhere
Her throat is strong enough to gargle peanut butter. I'm sure you were satisfied.
The worst thing about it is now I have to find someone else to fuck in the library.
No, it's cool, I just bounced from the hospital. I was...talking to a security guard, maybe?
I accidentally told my mom "the reason I didn't answer your call is because my phone was in my pants, on the floor"
When did it become normal to wake up in the middle of the night to take a group bathroom break and have a 10 minute discussion on where the next football game is?
Chasing my kid around a 30' jungle gym was not how I envisioned spending the day off work to recover from a vasectomy.
we watched a guy take a shot of tequila while riding a unicycle
were you aware we were supposed to be taking care of her hamster this weekend?
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