I feel like my sweat is 40 proof right now
So I'm stoned for 420, and have an eye doctor appointment in fifteen minutes
Are your eyes okay
I mean if I was Asian they would be
I just watched my mom open a wine bottle with an electric drill. I have never been so proud.
We should never set our expectations higher than pizza bagels cause then our night is bound to get better
you were leaning against the vending machine asking if there was a shower you could puke in.
full cup flip cup was not exactly the reason I wanted to tell the cops when I was sleeping on the curb
My dog just threw up a condom. Sorry for accusing you of not wearing one, I found it now.
I can't talk to her. I know entirely too much about her genitals to hold a conversation without mentioning them.
I love my life sometimes. I do miss being an adult, from time to time, but a little vodka always changes my mind.
From the same High Brittany who brought you such thoughts as, "Fuck, am I wearing shoes?" Comes High Brittany on a date! Stay tuned. This will be interesting.
He can only pee with the faucet running. It's like I'm dating a fucking toddler.
I've been up for almost three hours and it took me until JUST NOW to figure out that what I'm tasting isn't blood, just the minerals in the water. Fuck hangovers, man.
I can't decide if I'm depressed or if this is just what life without a bidet feels like.
i had a flashback to you roaring like a dying tiger and then throwing your wallet (maybe?) at the cat in the living room and saying "you're the only adult that lives here take all my money"
i refuse to take responsibility for eating Chuck E Cheese pizza and having any other repercussions than the shits.
Randomize
