They should really pass out barf bags in church
New all-time record for most uncomfortable I've ever been. A midget just asked me to restrap his fanny pack in the bathroom.
Welcome to my life. currently drinking beer through two straws. easier/faster that way.
whenever music plays i find myself always doing kegels to the beat. its like the new foot-tapping
He insisted on sleeping in my bed. Had he taken all of my obvious hints I would have sucked his dick. He only wanted to snuggle. My world has been turned upside down.
She said I wasn't helping her abandonment issues by not responding to her texts at 4 am
We hooked up. It felt slightly wrong considering he is my foreign exchange student but there's a reason America imports. Foreigners got the goods.
He was my shower sex Sherpa last night. And we both made it safely up the mountain.
How is it that I've hooked up with not one but two guys in the children's section of a bookstore tonight?
It looks like I murdered a care bear and put its blood in my hair to warn the others off.
I had a dream last night that I used a condom when I had sex. That's how I knew it was a dream
What's clit gel and why is it in my wallet.
Hooray! My email address wasn't leaked by Ashley Madison!
I will chop off your penis
You know you've hit a new slutty low when you're simultaneously sexting and having a tea party with a 4 year old
Uh oh. Put down the vodka cancel the clowns and get rid of the donkey
Randomize
