Life lesson: Don't give a drunk girl a dutch oven after having taco bell. She puked all over my pillow. Funny as hell though.
i was so drunk that there were 2 of her, and i didn't know which one to fuck
Buying weed on Christmas. Gotta love Jewish drug dealers
I am highly attracted to the men and that's all i can say. I do not clap and make noises but i do turn to the side and say how i'd do incredible things to them if given the chance
Turns out getting tied up to two door handles and forced to repeatedly cum is actually a really good ab workout.
We found a swing set....it's in the front yard.
You fell asleep with your fingers in my vagina. You made this a relationship.
HEAR YE, HEAR YE! BY ROYAL DECREE, I WILL BE KNOCKING ON YOUR DOOR AT 2PM UNLESS YOU GET THE FUCK UP. IT'S 1:50. CIGARETTE TIME, BITCH. I LOVE YOU.
Small children cheering my name. I am not a decent enough human being to feel comfortable with this.
dude throwing a golf cart off a pier is harder than it seems!
Woke up with a text saying "when I get to see them titties again lil ma??" With 8 beads around my neck & an empty bottle of vodka in my arms.
feelin groggy baby? need a coffee? vitamins? a nice good fuck on the piano?
I was like wtf you can warn a girl like hey I have a huge dick and I fuck for hours
Someone google feeding your vagina Advil and Neosporin
thanks for piggy backing me around for the rest of the night when I got too drunk to stand.
I woke up at 5am on my couch, naked, with a cereal bowl of water next to me. Apprently, drunk me thought I was a kitten last night. Super impressed I slept next to the bowl all night and didn't spill a drop.
Randomize
