I'm pouring my heart out in these texts and you're going around showing everyone???
I like how you refer to peeing in the car as "super cute"
dude, that chick is coming to see me and stay for 2 nights. I'm hitting the 3rd in the trifecta of friends.
You're one hell of a depraved bastard dude, I'm borderline speechless. You officially win.
They all have matching tattoos so they're all official bffs. I love my life.
I think its a sure sign I need to get laid when every cloud in the sky looks like a penis.
Do you know a sam ****, im at the bar right now and lookin for some dirt on her to guilt trip her in to sex
I just woke up and shes still asleep next to me with her vibrator inside her and on. Whats normal protocol for this situation?
Worst hangover of my career vs the return of the blue balls. Will keep updated
Just got a message from a guy on a dating site who says he helped me remove lime pulp from my eye in a club toilet 2 weeks ago.
Having a race with the dryer. Seeing who can get drunk/dry clothes faster.
The good news is I managed to avoid the three cop car looking for me. The bad news is I no longer have shoes.
You told her to step on the scale because you had whiskey goggles, and scales don't lie.
I don't drink so I see St. Patty's as an LSD type of day. Its like a more hardcore 420
He purred while eating me out. HE PURRED AND I LIKED IT.
i knew it was a party when i saw you sitting on the couch naked with the keg in your lap, still drinking and passing out cups
You can't hold me to anything I said last night; I was drunk on orgasms.
Randomize
