you dialed the number "23" then talked to it for three minutes
Thanks for holding onto me so I didn't fall in my pee in that parking lot. You're the best boyfriend ever.
My 10 year old brother handed me a pack of condoms and said "here, i don't wanna be an uncle yet."
i just realized the only form of arm exercise i get is holding my arms up in the stand up tanning booth
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
So when you said you wanted to make a clay replica of my boobs and hang it above your bed you actually meant it?
Nah the bridesmaids all had dates. I slept with the next best thing: girl who WANTED to be a bridesmaid but didnt make the cut.
A whole bunch of large men eating Doritos just knocked on my door and asked if they could take out my trash?
Its... i dont even know. theres lots of rap music and i cant find my shoes
Be subtle and tell lucas that he should sleep here tonight. And by subtle, i mean show him this text...
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
My New Years Resolution is to get everyone to start talking like a 40 year old douchebag. From now on, you will only refer to me as Chief.
That's how you know it was a good night if two months later you finally realized your skirt never made it home and you found out where it was.
If I died tonight, I'd be content knowing you were the last person to see my boobs.
PICK ME UP NOW I THINK THIS MOTEL IS A CRIME SCENE. also congrats on your engagement i saw the post on my phone while i was climbing out the window
Do you think I could use my teacher of month Award to get free drinks?
He's ready to settle down, whereas I'm like "More shots please"
Randomize