WTF I just almost got ran over by a fucking cop!!!!!!
LOL you shoulda thrown yourself in front for money. Fucking cops!
things it involved: vodka, boy parts, possible photos of me on a cell phone. things it did NOT involve last night: my bra, his pants, and sobriety.
we bought a duck. we're keeping him in our dorm room. don't ever try to tell me you've had a better freshman year than me.
We got back together. The pastures weren't greener on the other side, the dicks were just smaller
Why do you have to go to the hospital?
I gotta apologize to a male nurse who's tryin to press assault charges on me
I just sit in the cubicle for 8 hours and do keagles.
I can't take any time off so I'll be here drinking mimosas til I puke at home with my kitty
One day this summer I just wanna get blown under the hot sun all day.
Deal. Roof-top 69 on Saturday, July 20th. I've got it in my calendar.
Ugh I don't want to adult today. I need like a dozen more coffees. Or cookies. They're interchangeable.
Do you think showing up at his door with bourbon and chicken is too forward?
One three hour marathon fuck session and now she's divorcing her husband. Should I get business cards made?
I woke up to a gigantic ft-long tootsie roll and a note by drunk me with the words "you're welcome"
The best part of being a lesbian? If I'm late for work at a hookup's place I can use her make up and peace out. Well and all the sex of course.
I need to stop using "I went to the Harry Potter theme park" as my pickup line.
You can't hold me to anything I said last night; I was drunk on orgasms.
Randomize
