Haha she couldn't find her dress in the morning. So she left it. How do the hell do I discreetly return that to her at work. More importantly, how did she discreetly do the walk of shame??
I wanted to dispute a few 411 charges on my phone bill. The service rep told me I called them four times asking for Lady Gaga's number.
Got 6 blowjobs in one weekend... new personal best.
my bartender licked my nipple. never stay after hours
You know, I had the money for a pregnancy test, but at the time, tacos were more important.
Do you ever just look at me and get embarrassed?
You look me right in the eyes and yelled "By the power of the superglue beer sword, I designate you my driver!" I almost felt honored.
I really like her...she always overpays me for xanax and still feels the need to fuck me to make up for it....
we're decorating our christmas cookies with birth control. so pretty.
I just realized why I have little cuts all over my fingers. There was a broken pint glass in my purse last night.
OUR DIABOLICAL SLUT PLAN HATH COMMENCED!
Dude he's moving to fucking Germany now. What is it about your vagina that makes men want to flee the continent?
so apparantly i made out with 24 santas last night...and an elf...and a stoner
Remembering you have vodka in the freezer gives the same surge of happiness as finding 20 bucks in a coat pocket.
we tried to make a drinking game out of 4 pokemon cards you found in a drawer.
Randomize
