I woke up at 5am and he was watching me sleep... Come get meee!!??
it hurts more in the daytime
Just fyi NOT a good idea to drunkenly insert your NuvaRing after chopping jalepeno peppers
Just saw a man being put through a dui test on the side of the road... it was noon and he was on a bicycle. God bless texas.
I took her to see 2012 then broke up with her, the movie was a metaphor.
I thought he was joking about the hundred beer challenge until two guys showed up with a camera and boom mic. This cabin party is going to be fucked
After she saw a msg in his phone from me that listed the reasons why I love his cock, I don't think I can deny fucking her ex.
Come make me food. I feel like if I go in the kitchen I will just get Gin.. and pass out in there.
I like to think it's an accomplishment that I can relate my life to a T-pain song
Is it rude to ask for an autograph after giving him a blowjob in their hotel's hot tub?
When God was sprinkling self control to everybody, he ran out and was like ehhhh she'll make it!
I'm glad our friendship can withstand laughing mid-blowjob during the diarrhea scene in Dumb & Dumber.
do you think your dog feels awkward being in the background of your nudes?
Welp, just took a tab of acid and cracked one of three bottles of champagne... Mondays ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯
i'm 99% sure they had an orgy while i was passed out
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