Today I realized that I've had whole drunk relationships with people. And sober me has and wants no part in it.
If I was doing exactly what I wanted right now I would be getting fucked on a jet ski while listening to "When Love Takes Over" by Kelly Rowland while eating french fries.
I'm cleaning the house. And I can't stop listening to Enrique Iglesias. Am I gay?
I even have the new album if that helps you make a decision.
Just took my morning after pill in the library
I'm just trying to jam my tits into some coconuts and I'll be on my way
I feel if a girl leaves my house the next morning feeling degraded and in desparate need of a shower, then I have succeeded.
i just got drunk dialed and its 10am. clearly finals are over.
my wrists were so small for the handcuffs, i could slip them off and hand the tow truck driver my keys....
I just want you to know that I hid the weed. Once you find another job, I'll tell you where it is. Happy Hunting, bro.
But the ghost of his schlong past haunts you
I need you to do me a favor and hide my sword from me tonight. I'm planning on drinking my weight in vodka and I don't trust myself enough to not run through campus screaming "I AM SPARTA!" You'll be saving me a mugshot as well as saving some innocent girls from tears.
Bailey. He has a soul patch. Idgaf if he was an NFL player. Nobody with a soul patch is attractive.
You peed on someones bathroom floor while saying people are rude for not flushing
He asked me if I've ever had my ass ate and there was no polite way to say yeah your brother's pretty in to that 😂 I went with "no"
There's wine in the fridge here. You could leave school and we could get day drunk.
That's my favorite drunk.
Randomize
