mom just said that her bf is good in bed. fml.
i am watching a movie about a vagina with teeth and then you sent that to me while im eating sushi.
just realized I'm too high to take the plastic off a slice of cheese....
took 4 advil with a shot of vodka, figure i'd try to save myself now
I don't appreciate you drunk dressing passed-out me in spandex for bed
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Is it awkward to ask someone I've slept with to officiate my wedding?
I still love him regardless of his misguided forays into heterosexuality
Yep. How's your hangover?
It's like I fucked its sister and it's getting back at me.
We got to the hotel at 12AM with nothing but a plastic bag of magnum condoms and lube, while wearing glow sticks. The receptionist handed us a bunch of water bottles and said "These are on us.", not even phased by three dudes about to have a threesome. I love this town.
Why do I have a bunch of cash....and your bra.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Currently sitting in the movie theatre bathroom while she gives him a blowjob in the parking lot. Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend.
You got a write up and a first aid award all in the same night. The don was impressed!
don't worry about my dad. he just hates you because you're liberal, not because we're fucking.
Ims textiofg thsi woht my noes bcuz my hansd aer stli handcuffde to teh bedfrme. Help me
My talents include parallel parking and over reacting about absolutely everything.. And drinking..
I lost my wolf penis dildo in my garage. I should probably find it before I resume my garage sale tomorrow...
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