His pick-up line from last night: "I bet you cant climb these stairs right now." Needless to say.. it worked.
and then she said I drew a line on her forehead with my cum and whispered "Simba"
know what turns me on? long, stringy hair on a pasty looking girl with an overstuffed backpack and kneepads over her jeans in case she falls off her scooter
your less of a man for seeing that
we are both sitting on my bed desperately refreshing the order tracking page for dominos.
sarah just described his penis as "like bong-girth." I'm gunna go for it.
Where are you, who is in my bed, why is he wearing a spandex onesie as underwear, how did i get teethmarks on my forehead, what are we doing tonight?
Just successfully went through airport security with shrooms. It's gonna be a fucking awesome new years
I took the weekend off because he and I were supposed to go to Vegas for our anniversary and get a hooker remember?
Ah, yes. Who says romance is dead?
She looked up at the menu and yelled this is my absolute favorite literacy
I GOT MY PERIOD THIS IS A GLORIOUS DAY I AM TOTALLY GOING TO MAKE PIES TO CELEBRATE THAT THERE ARE NO REPUBLICANS IN MY UTERUS!
New guy at the liquor store was inexplicably fascinated by our huge jug of williams. First he said what are you gonna mix THAT with? and looked confused when I said air.
of course we called 911. an innocent mans booze was at steak
look, my penis is an amusement park, and it's closed for maintenance. why can't you just accept that?
You hear the wildest shit in a Walmart bathroom.
They left me at home... I'm a liability
Randomize
