so my mom just told me that she wouldnt pick me up and take us to taco bell at 3AM...
I need ur penis! This is not drunk texting, either! This is I need ur penis texting. There IS a difference!
you pissed in a zip-loc bag and wanted 60 dollars for it
Party at my house. Liquor pinata. Your presence is required.
She had a maple leaf tattoo behind her ear and told me she liked my "playoff beard".
Only in Canada would your laziness be applied to hockey and rewarded.
I'm also annoyed at my horoscope for not warning me of my perils
I dreamt of sea otters and your boobs. My two favorite things.
Tabs I had open this morning: "15 hedgehogs with things that look like hedgehogs" and an unexplored google search for "how do I express my love of tacos"
No more morning sex. Just for once, my vagina would like to go to work bone-dry and bone-free.
This time last year, you were undressing me from my gecko costume and getting freaky in a public bathroom. Tough to top that New Years Eve.
Why are friend nudes not more of a thing? My tits look awesome right now.
Tbh you just need to fuck it out like I don't know another solution
We damn well better have a snow day tomorrow. We just broke out the rum.
I may or may not be drinking in a church parking lot.
i was ready to conquer the fucking world. i would have fought vin deisel to the death without hesitation
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