White Russians with skim milk. Fuck I'm healthy.
Are you still at the party or did I leave?
He pulled a potato out of his bag in the library. A WHOLE FRIGGIN POTATO. He ate it like it was an apple and waved at the librarian as she stared at him.
So I vaguely remember making out with you this morning, I think you were on a date?
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He got punched in the face, dropped his laptop down a flight of stairs, and broke his roommate's lava lamp, getting all the toxic lava goo everywhere. This is why we don't let him get drunk. And yet here we are.
I just realized I turned down a booty call too. To make cheesecake. God help us all
I am literally the only girl who can black out and wake up pantsless and STILL be 99% sure I didn't get any.
But he's not just anonymous male genitalia anymore. I've met him, I've seen his face.
As a Chick-Fil-A employee, I think you'd appreciate the visual of me almost accidentally pulling out my wallet with a thong hooked on it as I payed for my waffle fries just now.
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I'm drinking with a guy who apparently blew my dog sitter.
You know it was a weird night when you find curly fries in your purse the next morning...
One of my life goals was never to see an uncircumcised dick. I guess that's out the window now.
Its the damn oven. I think it wants to eat me.
So i woke up on a park bench... Using my shoe as a pillow, cuddling a empty handle of vodka... Yet I'm still in my living room. Someone please tell me why all my vodkas gone? I'll deal with the park bench situation at a later time.
I took advantage of the fact that my mentee had to go to the bathroom to throw up in the other stall. I'm going to hell for being hungover at an elementary school.
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