I'm totally gay for Miss Californiaaaaaa
oh sweet, sweet irony
The only thing better than Call of Duty is getting jerked off while playing Call of Duty.
I can't try on my wedding dress because someone is trying to commit suicide in the store. Is this a sign?
Just got my cast off. My occupational therapist wants me to self-gratify. My clit is about to have an awesome weekend...
If you ever bitch out on 72oz margarita night again, this friendship is over
You can't start the super bowl without starting a kitchen fire making cole slaw. Its unamerican.
I don't even want to know
For once I want to have sex without having to google the after effects of it.
I can taunt you with whatever I want. Like batman and sex.
I faked an orgasm during phone sex last night. This relationship is starting to become real.
this night may include but is not limited to : police encounters, wild animals, stomach pumping, and waking up in a field
She seriously left me for a guy that likes his own statuses on facebook.....
I wore his All-American medal during sex. I came in first that night.
Get off the floor, put away the cookie dough, get ur shit together Scott.
I'm dying of laughter, but I'm also just dying
Send help
I can't come. It's so cold my uterine walls have frozen together like a cherry popsicle.
Randomize
