I really hope I'm not the first person who's had to wash vomit off of cash and credit cards.
just 'accidentally' changed my relationship status to 'in an open relationship' just to see what offers I might get if I were to dump him. it's not looking good
Come on, without my personality, I'm a pretty good one night stand.
I left his apartment Bc I lost my id. Wandered 5 miles barefoot. Got lost in downtown la. My phone died so I asked for directions from a man at the gas station.. Turns out he was a bum. He led me back to the apartment AND he found my id.
It's like the whiskey god was watching over you
Solid. Can't put a price on good times
You can and it's called a liver.
Well tech shes born nov 12, but since her head was out on the 11th, she claims both days as her birthday
Two drag queens are fighting over me. And yet the night is still getting weirder
Is it weird that the cop that arrested me called me twice to tell me that I left my ring at the police station
I would rather you cheat on me then you watch this season of Breaking Bad without me.
I tried sex in a car once. It was like trying to do yoga in a drainage pipe with your arms and legs tied while using a typewriter with your penis.
For the record you're an amazing lay and you have great taste in breakfast sandwiches
I love standing in line at rite aid for 10 minutes being forced to talk to my ex's mom about life while I'm holding nothing but yeast infection cream
I have got to stop telling people I was almost a prositute every time I drink
dude, there is no doorman in your lobby and the front door is locked
oh yeah, sorry he's up here at the party. coming now
All I did today was eat pizza and use my vibrator.
Randomize
