When I meet a new girl, I'm terrified of mentioning something she hasn't already told me but that I have learned from some light internet stalking.
We've reached that awkward stage of the relationship where he's in love with me when he's drunk, but sober him is still afraid of commitment.
our landlord thinks we're weird & alcoholics. he came in to fix our broken tub and saw the laundry door on our table for beer pong, the garbage bag full of empty fifths, and that one armed baby on the doorstep. plus he saw us swimming and yargging in our pirate pool that one time.
I thought you'd have died of alcohol poisoning years ago! How'd you get my number?
I gotta stop tellin complete strangers at the bar that they're the godparents to my first born
I'll probably just lay on my couch bra-less sipping wine out of a straw so I don't have to lift my head.
OMG bikini contest at the bar. You can see this one chicks scar from her c-section and I'm pretty sure she is the best of the bunch.
I would fuck him In a heartbeat, an obese child running up stairs with an irregular heartbeat, heartbeat.
Worst walk of shame man. They had a fire drill at 7am, had to walk out of her all girl dorm wearing my Everday I'm Hustling sweater
Nautical themed porn is also great bc someone usually wears a captains hat
When we missed a fist bump and simultaneously did the Rocket Power handshake I knew I was going to blow him.
Im playing a game I have to take a drink every time my gram asks me the same question hammered by 4 guaranteed
Just watched someone fail a field sobriety test. Miserably. At 4:50p. I think it's my future husband
God bless him
My books smell like weed. What does that tell you about my college experience?
Thumbs up
Hi I love you will you be up for a while!
That exclamation point was a drunk decision
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