your ex dropped by. you can call me dwight howard, cuz im the king of rebounds
We can get Dustin to help us. I think he'd be good at luring girls into a dark alley.
I had a dream that the allstate guy hooked up with flo from the pregressive insurance commercials and she gave birth to the geico gecco. I need to stop taking ambian.
And why did 3 people fail to stop me from literally getting a piggy back ride from the bar to his apartment?!
Its not even 10am and we are talking about what guys assholes we would finger.
Sometimes I seriously wonder if I could get away with vodka Sundays at work. Cuz this red bull feels naked.
You were sitting on the filthy kitchen floor eating a packet of grated cheese, and you were crying because you couldn't find any cheese.. I'd say our party was a success.
Haha I'm surprised I didn't see you I was drunkenly buying $70 in merchandise including a vibrating cock ring at that cvs around that time
Your grammar in that last text message was so awful.. My vagina wants to go crawl in a hole, and never speak to you again.
I have nothing to say for myself. When 2chainz comes on at the bar all bets are off.
I honestly think she should have her own reality show called "Lowering the Bar" and it consists of a camera crew following her from Bar to bar hooking up with unsuspecting drunk attractive men.
If you end up wanting to sit on his face, just make a sound like a dying giraffe and I'll make myself scarce.
we should most definitely have a fire extinguisher in the apartment. like... for sure
It was a fun night! I woke up with a boyfriend, again....
Apparently last night I was doing back bends for the guy making my easy mac because clearly it wasn't easy enough for me.
Randomize
