I can tuck mytits in my pants
you win again, gameday.
Hahaha. I am actually really tight for having a kid. Like really really tight.
my new years resolutions dont apply when im drunk
so I got guilt tripped into giving her a new years kiss, and she proceeded to try and eat my face while mounting me. when you give a mouse a cookie...
The KFC double down is way too much for a drunk. He was just staring at it in awe.
I just realized that there are baby oil soaked hand prints on the wall over my bed. Last night was a good night.
Its not that hard, just find a girl reading 50 shades of grey and point her my way
yo knit me an eyepatch. but also make it usable as a thong
I just want to eat Taco Bell and throw it up on his doorstep.
Who knew I could feel anymore shameful at the bar than i usually do...I think my bartender recognizes me from the walk of shame out of his house after i hooked up with his son yesterday
In other news, Justin Bieber has a big dick and that makes me uncomfortable.
He struggled for a second trying to unhook my bra and I said "4/10. Novice."
well apparently i sat in the bathroom staring in the toliet at my vomit. it was blue. how was your night?
you tried to strip tease your way into canada but got arrested instead. don't worry, your mom doesn't know.
Randomize
