I wanna blow your doors off so bad right now.
Doors?
Rock your world. Blow you out. Skeet skeet.
No one appreciates an amoeba in a balloon hat.
Just so you know, the bottle of red gatorade is NOT GATORADE. It is definitely someone's puke. I hope nobody else makes the same mistake I did.
She sucked her thumb until she was 17. It's like my dick was born to be in her mouth.
Things found in my vomit last night: cell phone, Von Hayes rookie card, a boot, my dignity
Scratch that. Good bye liver, good bye clothes, good bye dignity. Hello awesome weekend
Omg. The nephews found my stripper pole. The scary part is theyre good at it.
Drinking vodka and pirating music in the library. Welcome to finals week.
I will sleep with anyone I have to to make sure you don't get deported
Confirm that you received these messages so that I know you feel the agony of my vagina. There is such a thing as "too many penises".
I felt kinda awkward walking into his house in nothing but lingerie and my dead grandmas overcoat
It's all fun and games until you rupture a testicle
Next time I will hook the Xbox before I get high I spent 30minuts thinking I was playing the Simpsons game when it was in reality a tv episode
Buying drug test kits off amazon. And qualifying for amazonSmile donation to a kids hospital feels wrong and funny at the same time xD
In a meeting I sneezed and my tooth hit the floor. I don't think anyone noticed. I would still like to die now.
Randomize
