come pick me up. please. i just puked in my lap. bring pants.
OMG MY MOM JUST ASKED IF I WAS GETTING PAP SMEAR TOMORROW VERY LOUDLY WHILE WE ARE STANDING IN A VERY PUBLIC LINE.
it can't be normal that my body odor smells like fries
Either she got face surgery at midnight, or i need to stop drinking...
are you excited because you wanna see me or because you wanna get laid?
bc i get to see you. naked.
Fucking freshmen need to learn how to puke in the bushes outside the dorm and not in the fucking elevator.
Frozen waffles and wine. Loneliness-party of one
So not only did team sweden fail to particpate in any drinking game but i also found puke in my viking helmet this morning.
i love that feeling when you wake up and have no idea how you got back to your dorm or why you have mac and cheese on your cheeks and eyelashes in your mouth
Dude. There's gotta be an article in Cosmo about it cause I've had three different girls tongue tickle my brownie this month.
I totally straight up jacked your pants. I am so sorry.
I told my boss that I'm in a slutty stage of my life right now and the chef overheard and slipped me his number. I might get laid tonight
Just don't let me get too drunk. At one point I pulled out my dick and pissed at that party. Like on the wall.
Yes be both agreed it was the worst sex in the history of fornication, so I asked him to sign the condom wrapper so I could frame it as a reminder to NEVER sleep with him again
She asked what the dent on the hood of my car was from..i think she knows we had sex up there
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