I changed my tire completely alone.. I could totally win survivor
Its my greatest physical accomplishment
The highlight of my Saturday night was singing along to the sound of music alone in my room.
I felt like a body pillow being humped by a twelve year old.
ejected that DVD during the department meeting.. it was our porn from last night. I have a new nick-name at work.
she must've caught on when i went out for a "run" in jeans and a sweatshirt and came back holding a McDonalds bag and smelling like pot.
i wanna meet her so much more now that I know she got toed in a hottub.
you know who we are? We're the female white stoner version of Kenan and Kel.
I woke up next to her boyfriend and she woke up next to mine....
This is like a fucked up game of musical chairs.
Just replaced the batteries in my vibrator without turning on the lights. I need to get laid.
Your shoe was in the washing machine. I have it in my pocket. My phone rang before and I answered your shoe. Meet me at the bar in 10.
is leaving the club to fk in his friends van subtle?
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
He'll only communicate through snapchat with pictures of him holding his cat or his dick. Bit of Russian roulette opening them in public but I did it anyway.
The last thing I remember is talking to the firefighter next to me and he was giving me fruit.
No idea who's grandma but people were just running around naked
Randomize
