I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
he needs to stop telling all his friends what my queefs sound like. its getting awkward to be around people who can quote my vagina.
Just washed my feet between classes in the bathroom...Four girls totally judged me...
smoking weed is really the only logical conclusion to hangovers
Had a couple pieces of pizza for breakfast...suck on that Jamie Oliver.
He tried to write down the address for the cab on half a bagel.
you think that next time i come over to do this you can pick up the condom wrappers you used on the other girls
Just had that moment when you realize the two drunk women shoving all their money down your clothes were your middle school teachers...
I was just shot with a dart gun by one of my coworkers while walking to the printer. Ironically I was printing my resignation letter...
Owwwww. Yeah. I can barely move unless Im high on vicodin. We are bad at drinking/balancing. We will be the first to break hips and have to go into a home.
I shit myself when I came, don't have flu sex
It's 5am and I have yet to fall asleep. At what point do we just accept that I run on vodka?
I didn't see her "bad karma" tattoo until after I was balls deep
Awww I'm so proud! Starting friendships before you hook up!
All I remember thinking is, why the fuck are there martians on the ceiling? And they were riding fruit. Like strawberries and shit.
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