you're close to getting here right? Because if you're still not here and I have to get dressed to answer the door for the pizza guy, i'm tipping him $100 on your credit card to spite you
I can'nr wwn explain this nihght . So amnt dixks. Shitttttt.
I've got to stop giving the gift of vagina for every occasion. I'm exhausted.
Made eye contact with a friendly neighborhood dog walker while violently puking out the window. How's your Wednesday going?
How's dating the med student working out for you?
After we had sex last night he showed me where my spleen was.
A true anatomy project.
Oh I was gonna ask you the same thing...? It's official ask anyone to see your husbands dick day.
No more morning sex. Just for once, my vagina would like to go to work bone-dry and bone-free.
you said "how could you not want to hook up with me when I have these abs" and then proceeded to rip your shirt off in the middle of the bar. I'm pretty sure you were hammered.
JESUS
you ran up to the police and said "fuck the police shit we living in hell ". Then you dropped your Margarita and said "Darby Out" lol
My new roommate is awesome. His father owns a bar and his sister has an E cup. I'm going to be with him forever
I renamed some of my contacts in my phone before passing out and I have one I cant figure out, its "fucking house elf scum"
I or someone else dumped a lot of glitter into my boobs last night.
Woke up, bank account is empty. Sock is still full of blood. Nothing in my pockets but a wireless mic and jenga pieces.
Good, I've got all this booze. It's intimidating to be in the room alone with it..
Someone needs to get Mark off the roof. I told you that he doesn’t shut up about ancient Egypt if you give him henny.
Randomize
