I am officially superior to you. I said "Go Go Gadget Dick" before I fucked her. I dare you to beat that.
So you know how craigslist used to have an "erotica" section? And how after you click on a link it changes a darker color? And how Dad stays up really late most nights?
Oh god... well at least he's gettin some. Mom's a prude.
I'm pretty sure this isn't my phone, but I do like these nude pics
Let's turn this shoulder dislocation into a positive. Come to the hospital, bring some beers, let's party.
I fell asleep with all the lights and heat on in the apartment with windows open, Earth Hour is lost on people like me.
He was drinking hot tub water because i refused to get him a glass of water...
and lets be real... who can blow a middle school class's sunday school teacher and keep a straight face ever again? NOBODY.
He pointed at some girls and said "I'm gonna have sex with them girls over there", and disappeared.
dude i'm so hungover my hair hurts
My gynaecologist hit my g-spot today by accident and for some reason I went "at least someone found it" VERY AWKWARD
There's like a dolphin trainer convention here or something. I will parlay this trip to Vegas into riding Shamu if its the last thing I do.
I ran into him drunk, barefoot, at rite aid and he said I looked "stunning." Yeah, Stunningly shitfaced haha
This is the third time my roommate and I have drunkenly hooked up. I'm starting to think she's not as straight as she says she is.
I just want an early 40-something dude who is vaguely unencumbered, professionally driven and wants to put me in a ball gag.
How was it?
i think i smell bacon but im to sore to walk downstairs. that kinda night
Randomize
