he smells like the inside of heather mills' fake leg
My mom is purposely blasting Shania Twain downstairs so I can't jack off.
apparently the bartender would rather give me free shots than tell me that my whole nipple piercing was hanging out
We broke the shower door. Completely off. His roommates were not happy but I sure was
I can feel my moral fiber fraying.
after the shots you kept on yelling "this is for the dreamers"
Whatever dude, just dont tell her your first impression was she looked like your cousin. no judgement here. just sayin.
The only monogamous relationship I can keep is with my eyebrow lady...
I know you just got dumped by your gf but believe there is still good in the world. I just smoked a joint and took a fucking unbelievable poop. Give me a call tomorrow.
It's not vacation until I get called "disgustinly sexy" by an fat woman whose older than my mother.
Turns out end of the world sex is H-O-T, HOoot! I'll be the only progressive lady smiling today
I feel kind of like we’re in a gang and tonight is one of those “people are gonna know not to fuck with us” type of nights. And then tomorrow I am going to learn to pole dance. I’m not really sure how I got to this point in my life… but I like it.
So my ex just asked for my address to send me his wedding invitation... in Europe. Awesome.
That’s basically a green light to fuck his dad
Come by so you can take a pregnancy test with me. It's like my monthly ritual!
send nudes
from the living room?
Randomize
