I know i'm drunk when the "men" sign on the bathroom sounds chinese
k so who do I think I'm kidding applying to culinary school? I just fucked up a microwaveable pizza
Just downloaded the entire Justin Bieber album sober.. I think you know how I'm doing.
The stoners next door have their couch on the sidewalk again, shirtless, soaking their feet in a baby pool and listening to loud ukulele music. I want their life.
He called me from prison intake to wish me luck on my job interview. Somehow that's the most romantic thing that's ever happened to me.
and then he tried plucking my nose hairs. lines were crossed.
It's been two weeks and I still have carpet burns on my knees. Well done.
I have whiskey and jager. There's no telling what kind of monster will emerge
Part of me was thinking I should go old school and get a chasity belt before the semester starts. Really lock that shit down. But then I thought, fuck that. I'm going to hit that campus like an f5 whorenado
You know you gotta reevaluate your life when the first thought that comes to mind after you wake up is 'at least I'm still alive'
My pants zipper is stuck halfway down. I have to interview an intern later. This day is gonna be amazing,
Ooo, yeah! Thanksgiving will be a blast. Can't fuckin wait for the next round of "have you found a nice young man yet?" Followed by a lovely helping of "don't worry, there's someone out there for you."
We got a lap dance! I touched a boob!
Exactly man. Who needs doctors when you have vodka and hot knives.
Anytime he goes down on me i automatically think of you cheering me on. Your a good friend.
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