Found moms dildo in drawer while looking for socks, and its wet
I was gonna make fun of her but that plan kinda stopped once she put my dick in her mouth
We saw a kid playing in poison ivy. We walked away, he'll learn his lesson.
When we started taking double shots of vodka and chasing it with a lick of fruit roll-ups, I knew there'd be hell to pay in the morning.
they just named my boobs. Lefty is "Guenevere" and Righty is "I claim this boob for America"
Is "you left your socks here, please come get them" a good way of saying "come fuck me?"
You know those creepy dolls that look like they are watching you from anywhere in the room? It was like that, but with his penis...
I just spent a pre-4th of july celebration riding in a raft being towed by a car through a town that I've never heard of handing out flyers for a river rafting company that I never knew existed. Good night.
Can you technically cross something off your bucket list if you don't, per say, remember it....?
If I ever see that bitch it is going down flavor of love style
Just me, my martini, and my backup Martini.
So i had a feeling this dude with one leg in a wheelchair was following me around Walmart turns out I was right. He just asked for a picture of my feet.
i mean i let him but still...
We had a quickie at work in the office. He walked out before me, and I fell asleep while waiting a few minutes to walk out. Yeah. He's got that change your life dick
He's gonna fuck me, then his girlfriend is going to come over and fuck me in front of him. And they're smoking me out. Happy birthday to ME
Did you just correct my spelling of a made up word?
No, I just was using your word in plural form
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