hey my socially awkward cousin is our designated driver for summer, we just have to put up with her wierd shit.
I just saw a homeless man with a cat on a leash. reminded me of you.
And then she said we stopped for a train and i tried crawling out the back window.. again, i dont remember this.
Only you could turn Mozart into a stripper song.
My boss just gave me full permission to come into work wasted this weekend.
She accidentally pre-ordered us Dominos for the next day at 11:30am... we were very confused when we woke up.
we were wasted and he didn't have a condom so he called the front desk and asked for one. They didn't "officially" have them but the night manager happened to have one in his wallet. He brought it to the room with two mints.
I just realized I have yet to puke in your new apartment. Clearly we're doing something wrong. On my way over with Cuervo as I type.
Just bought a breathalyzer and Sharpies, guess who thought of a new drinking game
no one was sober enough to set up jenga so we just threw the pieces at the last person to drink
The dog just sneezed and it sounded like a person, after I said bless you I freaked the fuck out and got the gun
i'll fuck you during the next apocalypse. promise
Life Lesson #1 of 2013: double-fisting shower beers and shaving my bikini line should be reserved for two different showers.
Nooo, I ran into two if my exes, both having their engagement parties at the bar. It was like a fucking Eskimo family reunion, but with more tequila.
You ever fart so hard it made you cum a little? A "friend of mine" wanted to know.
Randomize
