My stomach is making the worst sounds, probably because there is nothing but semen in it.
Condom broke. Took her to CVS for plan B and parked in expectant mothers spot. I laughed.. she cried
You took a fire extinguisher off the wall in the hallway to play Ghostbusters.
So I'm looking through your google history on your laptop and you have 'is ketchup even remotely nutritious' and 'alcohol with fewest calories but highest alcohol'. What new fad diet are you on because I feel like we could do this together.
Rule #127: If your going to try fuck a married guy, you gotta be hotter then his wife; diet starts today.
Na Im fine, just need to un-grow this vagina I've developed
I think it's awesome that you're getting shower sex advice from a Mormon.
You were convinced you would hurt my car if you opened the door. Then you barfed in the pretzle bucket Peter gave you
We climaxed at the same time during ain't no mountain high enough. Does it get more cheesy or domestic for a non relationship?
Should I wear my "kiss me I'm highrish" shirt for my drug screen today?
the most terrified I've ever been was seeing Danny Devito squirming on the ground in this underwear, covered in hand sanitizer, completely hairless
We were drunk at 3am with no food. I sent him to the lobby with ninety cents for like a bag of chips and I swear on my life he came back with a meatball sub
...did you ask him where he got a meatball sub at 3:00am?
He just kept mumbling something about being a hunter/gatherer
Oh AND he got us two bags of chips.
I woke up on the couch screaming in pain. I don't know how ended up there or why my foot was double the size. all I know is I'm now in a cast and never drinking tequila again. worst hangover ever.
As your boyfriend, I'm gonna congratulate you on winning that fist fight. But as a cop, I have to tell you to not do that again.
Call me a snob but I'm not banging chicks with more fingers than teeth.
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