I mean I can't believe yesterday ended w/ your house getting firebombed. What an unexpected turn of events
I tried carrying you from the bathroom to your bed and you begged me to bring the toilet too
You're gonna die alone anyway. Even if you do meet a man, they die earlier than women. Best case, you have to deal with grieving over his death and then die alone a couple years later. Worst case, you get a terminal illness and he divorces you, leaving you to die alone anyway.
Thanks, mom.
Nothing is more important than the last pool party of the season. Call in sick or gay or something.
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I called my dad at 3 a.m. because I thought he'd be proud that I didnt get arrested. Daddys little girl at her finest...
I blew him and did charles barkley impressions at the same time. what a pro
I always ask when they're due. It's the nicest way for me to let her know the rest of the world can tell she's putting on weight too
You just wrote a check for drugs...pretty sure you don't have cash for beer..
Apparently I have decided there are no repercussions for my actions
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Observations from Vegas: #1. Strippers pasties pose a choking hazard. #2. Best. Heimlich. Ever.
when you wake up naked in a bed with glowsticks, a rolled ankle, a hangover, and a condom; alone. you wonder shit
But the problem is you celebrate with your heart but I celebrate with my liver
so... i have a picture of you and three other girls making kissy faces at this giant stuffed banana you're holding. however, you seem to be violently screaming at it.
Those bitches did NOT have my back.
So being hungover in an office full of people with hangovers for 9 hours is quite possibly what hell will be like.
I got drunk. Then I took a shit.
It was a good shit
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