In the airport and just saw a little boy put his head in his mother's crotch... I guess he took a whiff because he backed up and said loudly, "mommy your pee-pee is stinky!"
Remind me to tell you the "if you give a mouse a special brownie" story when you get back
they're using the ping pong table for ping pong. it's weird
Cumming on a girls face is guy code for you're not wife material.
I vaguely remember taking a shit behind the shed before I started puking over the fence. No more Xanax.
i offered her breakfast shots. she politely declined.
it's ok. he made up for it by standing there and holding my purse while i made out with three guys at the bar. it was a pretty good night.
Dont get mad at me, it takes two to tango
IT TAKES ONE TO EJACULATE INTO THE OTHER WITHOUT CONSENT, AND SPOILER ALERT, ITS THE ONE WITH A SCROTUM FULL OF SEMEN.
How was your 8:30 class today?
Non existent. I just threw up in my water bottle on the bus.
I think I'm just going to up-end a bottle of wine and look through pictures of what my life used to be.
Just for future reference, me asking if you're free, followed by a winking face is not my way of suggesting a tandem bike ride.
Drunk yoga at 11 am turned into me sitting on the couch making fun of the girl in the instructional video. By the way, what the fuck is a third eye?
I'm like going proud parent over you doing drugs, this is so wrong.
I just want to eat chicken fingers and drink beer and smoke in bed with my laptop so I can watch Netflix
So your not doing THAT great with the break up then...
Dude 4th of July week was our like 5th anniversary of you sending me dick pics ❤️
Randomize
