i can totally see doctors naming an STD after you
Me and my dog bond so much when im high.
i was playing the convince him im sober game through texting. i spelled most of the words right. i hope.
Everybody knows the last week of summer internships include showing up to the office hammered and hitting on the CEO
Three guys came up to me at the bar and started dancing on me, while screaming "Johnson's girl." That's the last time I sleep with a freshmen.
she chugged a bowl of salsa and then gave my ferret weight loss tips. she's like my fucking spirit animal now
BABIES FOR EVERYONE. I'd be like Oprah except with babies
Someone put a huge skyy vodka bottle in our washing machine. My roommate didn't see it and ran it. The washing machine split in two. #life
I just put bronzer on my abs to snapchat nudes. If that's not going hard I don't know what is
I sent you a snap of me in the bath, and you sent me a snap of a taco. An actual taco.
She gave you a handy in the bar and you were surprised she was good with a dick?
Hahah good point
girl pulled up to the stop sign, got out, threw up all over my hood said happy thanksgiving then drove off
i regret nothing
brb throwing up in the dishwasher
i regret everything
I don't think it's ever a good night if I'm this hung over and I didn't even get an orgasm out of the deal...
may or may not have snorted a line of tums... wtf.
Randomize
