drunk at some random house party. come get me. i thought i pulled my dick out to go piss... it was my left nut. im soaked.
She was narrarating everything she did.. like while making toast.
heey were did you guys go? last time i remember seeing you i was throwing up in the fountain
All of my current injuries can be related back to sex.
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Urine might work for jellyfish stings, but we found out it doesn't work well for nose bleeds...
you were saying "i am the vodka queen!" and then in a different voice replying to yourself "all hail the vodka queen! you are so beautiful!"
On the bright side his mom approves of me. Though it's apparently because she sleeps with married men and has a soft spot for "fellow homewreckers"
hey, this is the ginger girl from the party...i've thought about it and I wanna join the american girl drinking team
Yes. I am getting trashed on an open tab while judging a karoke competition
Impressive. I approve.
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the upside of dating someone over 21: he can buy me a pregnancy test AND a bottle of wine when he goes to cvs for me
What happened to my knees?
You ate shit in front of the homeless people. They applauded.
I just walked away from a youth soccer tournament popping every birth control pill I had left in the pack.
The last thing I searched on my phone was "leave in conditioner on cats." This is where my life is.
I gave a handjob to the beat of uptown fuck last night
She tried deep frying a banana by placing one, unpeeled, into a toaster.