i just watched a video of two girls fucking with a banana and i thought of you.
i hate you
I can mark tailgating, going to the game and getting road head off my to do list today
He just asked me if his big had a curved penis. Awkward? I think so.
She's singing So Happy Together to her burrito, I want to be on her level.
All I want to do is fuck in the bell tower before it leave this school. Is that too much to ask?
Happiness is the polar opposite of catching your dad watching holiday themed porn
Giving my coworkers lap dances cuz it was my turn to decide our team bonding exercise. Go happy hour!
Sidenote: do you recall your "give me the d" chant
After the 3rd shot, she was running around singing, "Twinkle Twinkle Big Ol' Dick, on your happy place I'll sit" to your brother.
Put that bitch's torch out. She's been voted off.
Yes I slept with him, he was the only one not wearing a costume. Guys with costumes are just trying to impress you.
This weekend i learned three things 1) skittles in vodka is good 2) it takes more than a roll of quarters to get a cab home 3) never tell a bartender to give you your change in actual change
I don't know if trying Molly for the first time before my flight was an awesome or aweful idea
I spent the last 6 months operating under the assumption that I HADNT fucked a paramedic. I was wrong.
So how does one go about leaving their family vacation to hang out with someone they met on tinder
I did wake up to a random meat and cheese plate next to my bed, that was a thrill.