I am too pretty for them to be this angry at me.
So I had to explain to her that pussy doesn't mean a cat
A girl just asked me to co-sign for her boob job because she didn't have enough credit built up. This is a first.
Woke up on the floor with my glow stick in one hand & dollar bills in the other. Good. Morning.
These 21 FaceApped Celebrities Will Make You LOL
Random fact of the day: cum is a really good eye makeup remover
If we were to wake in ur bed together, what are the 3 words you would say to me?
Get out now.
I keep getting texted pictures of my husband with other men. I can't figure out if he wants a divorce or a threesome?
I am getting my wife a tattoo just above her butthole that says, "For entry just add tequila."
i wasn't about to bring her gummy handcuffs to her father's funeral
25 People Confess Their Favorite Way To Annoy Their Significant Other
In chronological order you drank, sang, smoked, napped, threw up, cried, laughed, described your pubic area, passed out. You have abused the privilege to use me as your D.D.
I just banged your sister. Thats what you get for takibg my lunch money in 2 grade, boom, boom fiyyaa powaa
He brought me bullshit flowers and a bullshit apology. Even shrek did more than that for Fiona. And he's an ogre. Does this not say anything about him?
So the night ended when we tried making fireworks out of gunpowder and oregano. You can figure out how that went.
Of course, you have to give the courtesy text like last night when I told you my dick was gonna smell like peppermint
I went out to dinner with the girls thinking I'd be home early. Instead I ended up in the Englishman's hotel room. Long Live The Queen.