she says her boyfriend and her dignity are both out of town tonight
all we need is a shotglass and a helicopter.
Just lit a joint with steel wool and a 9 volt battery... thank you 3rd grade science class
Yes, you did come over last night. You also tried to give my dog a blowjob. You got rejected.
25 Of The Most Cringeworthy Internet Stalking Fails
I'm still not a hundred percent.. I haven't shit anything solid in two days.. I have pulled my puker muscles and I can't take deep breaths cuz of other unidentified muscles/maybe heart attack
So this guy is eyeing me from across the bar. Either the girl I hit on next to him is his girlfriend or he's her gay best friend. I should show him my Penis and find out.
Dude. Do it.
Definitely her date. But she saw it too. So now he used to be her date. Why can't this stuff Happen when I'm sober?
my night ended with a pity blow in a racecar bed
I think I threw my underwear away at What-A-Burger last night.
Please, take the 2 shots of vodka that I left as an apologie.
21 People Who Barely Escaped Death
Just opened up the freezer to find chocolate penis popsicles. Too hungover for this shit
whose parrot is this?
I left the bar I'm on a bench across from the bowling alley taking a nap please come get me. I've had three lollipops.
He talked for 3 hours straight on how his dad is a dentist how fuck do you think my night was
I'm hoping the sedatives kick in before I drunkenly decide to eat this whole cheesecake.
I suggest both. Please have sex with them and prepare notes for a final comparison.