so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
a pedometer??? no beatles?Steve jobs just took a dump in CA and it landed on my heart
Oh. Thats cool. Im not dating anyone right now. Sean gave me chlamydia from some GUY he fooled around with. Im being abstinent.
if I end up fighting someone to save $15 on a toaster oven then something went wrong earlier in life
Stay Away From These 29 Online Dating Red Flags
Come scavenge bits of tuna out of my chest hair
It's official, my little sister has hooked up with more girls than I have.
But you have work tomorrow. And a whore to pick up. And a dinner to eat. And a vagina to slaughter. Your day is full!
I appreciate the concept of vaginal slaughtering.
Last night was the first and hopefully last night I will ever sleep in a hotel bath tub. Sober mind you.
I'm not even gonna ask.
I looked the guy across the room straight in the eyes and said, "If you were any closer to me, we'd be making out right now."
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True enough. Do you ever think that these girls grandparents ghosts are watching you masterbate to their granddaughters and look at you in Shame?
Last thing I remember is ranting about hating pants. Woke up this morning pants less. Couldn't find them, decided to leave. Driving without pants is surprisingly liberating.
You meet the best people naked in a hot tub at 2 am.
But I don't wanna live with them bc I need to be able to walk around naked and sex on any surface guilt free.
Apparently I drunkenly agreed to help the homeless. For once, I'm not disappointed in drunk me. Four for you, drunk self. You go, drunk self!
I'm 2 weeks in to my all dick and carb diet and so far I've lost 2lbs.