someone owes me an orgasm
My roommate is on the phone with one of her friends trying to figure out how she threw up IN her pants. I'm not sure whether to burst out laughing or direct her towards Plan B.
it was one of those movies netflix should have sent weed with
someday when you wake up in a dumpster we'll have to have this conversation again...
He is in the front yard trying to catch birds out of the air with a fishing net.
I woke up and someone had put toast at my feet. I was SO. HAPPY.
Can I color on your dick again?
Sorry blacked out and lost my phone. Judging by the looks of my body I fought a cat and fell into a bush.
I guess I just stopped wanting to rip his balls out and started being okay with him being alive. that's a typical feeling for exes right?
Came home to my roommate drinking a 40 in the shower. Chugging with his hair still fully shampoo'd.
i woke up inside a girl that i promised i would take on a date to Chili's
I said "one day" and that day is not today
That awkward moment when you hear your boss yelling during sex while you're on her couch eating Easy Mac.
Apparently walking into a national conference and proclaiming "i'm here to fuck shit up" is frowned upon.
Who knew?
I hate when pretentious people talk bad ab corn dogs
Randomize
