We're gonna have to suck it up and start making out for free drinks. No homo. I'm watching Tyra "I kissed a girl and I got free drinks."
Let's do it. All homo
I don't know if it's her mysterious past or atrocious grammar, but I think I'm in love.
i haven't been laid since the bush administration. it's frustrating.
Some advice for success: 1) Go ugly early, it saves you time and money; 2) If you can't pork a princess, pound a pig for practice; and 3) Beauty is only a light switch away.
ur like the dr phil of bizarro world.
I woke up to the bathroom door of steak n shake hitting me in the face at 4 in the morning...
you drank 3/4s of your half gallon of vodka, made a fort out of the kitchen table, and actaually had sex in in it.
You were sitting in the tub, clothed, squirting my KY all over yourself. You said "it's warm." then passed out.
So I just did the math and everything in this room except the computer and my clothes has been in my vagina
I like to imagine god has to get plastered to deal with the fact that he made you and me
Why did you make me get in the car with you and then not give me a ride? I woke up in a bar with a blanket on me.
Blood work from physical was all good, apparently heavy alcohol use agrees with me
She asked me to come on her OkCupid date with her
Finals week game: One shot for every psychological trauma I've been through that I have to explain in detail. Man I hate my major sometimes.
Fuck. What bets did I make about "yeah when the Cubs win the World Series" that I gotta reneg on????
Noted. Next time you want to get fried chicken and cocaine.
Ok. That just sounds baller.
I just smoked weed out of a tomahawk, then chased an armadillo with said tomahawk, I love my life.
Randomize
