Tell him ill love him long time
I'll assure him of it
Part in the USA is on your top 25 most played on iTunes. you have NO RIGHT to judge me.
Mother fucker. I'm a 30J now. I'm fucking speechless
He woke up screaming about pickles. I think it's gonna be a good day.
you convinced the bartender to un-cut you off by letting him touch your boobs whenever you ordered a drink.
Some random slut told me I was a good dancer then gave me a handjob. I felt like fucking John Travolta.
When She took off her bra.... A tube of lipgloss, her phone, I.D. And a wad of twenties fell out.... I'm officially no longer a butt man
There's gotta be a happy medium between the guys who only want to sleep with me and the ones that respect me too much to try to sleep with me.
Smuggling a beer bottle full of vodka out of the bar with a tampon as a plug for the top of the bottle wasn't one of my classiest ideas... but your hangover proves it was resourceful and effective. Your welcome.
We just had father kitten bonding time .. I was on the toilet , he was climbing the animal print shower curtain . It was magical
There are two guys dressed like Spartans from 300 at this bar and they're making out and I needed you to know this
Some girl woke me up at 1:30 am looking for weed and the next thing I know I'm in a hot tub with 3 girls, 2 40's, and a blunt.
Safe to say we should stock up on nipple bandaids ladies
If you fold the laundry; booze and orgasms on me.
You have ten minutes starting with this message to get here. Or I'm putting my clothes back on.
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