Hey guys thanks for lettin me crash at your place for the weekend, I had a great time. PS I got three quarters of a hand job from an asian on the dance floor last night. True story.
i have your red jacket for some reason. and a good deal of shame and embarasment. note to self, wear underwear when you wear a dress. also, i was electrocuted last night. dont ask how.
it was terrible. i could've done a better job by myself.
I hooked up with a Michael Jackson impersonator last night. Too soon?
Just got my cast off. My occupational therapist wants me to self-gratify. My clit is about to have an awesome weekend...
im not going to any frat parties next semester. for once i want them to think its actually hard to get in my vagina
I remember tearing his shower curtain down but I don't remember trying to shave my vag...
How can I explain how nice he is to you? ...like, I'm going to have to have my world famous why being a douche is sexy talk.
The universe is cradling this hangover like a gay couple cradles their newly adopted chinese baby.
Hi I haven't talked to you since you bought legal marijuana-are you still stoned?
Bring me a cialis. .. I feel like having a super dick today
I'm the catering manager, it's not my job to stop 2 teenagers from fucking in the bathroom. I couldn't bring myself to stop that sort of young romance anyway, that's what I pay you people for
Also I've decided to start stealing shot glasses after I do the shots. You in?
Which one have i been cheating ON and which one have i been cheating WITH if i met them the same night & have been dividing time equally?
Want to help me interview candidates to replace my Cub/Boy Toy when he leaves for grad school next month?
Randomize