i was just outside smoking and i saw a hooker sing "i wish i knew who your daddy was" to her new born baby. someone explain to me why i ever left chicago to go to college...
I love how you send me nude pics of girls you're fucking and name them by which city they're in instead of their name. "This is Nashville, this is Tupelo, this is Jackson..."
you know you go to a catholic school when you are rollin a joint with matthew 14:1-12
Disgusting. If I saw her naked my dick would pack up his balls and leave.
I full on slapped a girl with pizza. Like in the face with sauce splattered everywhere and grease with a hard slap to the face.
I feel like my lungs want to punch me in the vagina.
is that even a sentence?
This theraflu would make for a great margarita.
I can make a sudafedarita
I drunkenly took 3 laxatives last night since I felt fat.... this is going to be a rough morning
Did I run away from you last night?
Yeah it was a great moment for our friendship
Just saw some lesbians get in a fistfight in an Arby's parking lot. It's good to be home.
Of course it may just be the context. A dish of dog food would look lovely next to your breasts.
He sat next to me, put his arm around me, yelled at his girlfriend that he was breaking up with her, and told me I'm his little pet for the night.
Rather than admit to myself I've spent $756 at the bar this month, I'm just going to pretend I gave it to a homeless person...kind of makes me feel better.
Am I just high or is she having an auction for her vagina on Twitter
I passed up getting laid last night. It's almost been a YEAR - what the Hell was I thinking, being so choosy??
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