Just saw two guys having a lawn mower race, and their girlfriends cheering them on. Get me out of Tehachapi,
Your brother just successfully got half the bar mostly naked
there needs to be a build-a-bong store...
You totally drew a penis wizard on my closet that says "I travel for cock rock"
Tequila is the liquid version of celery. I lose more calories during tequila drunk and the following sexual activities than I gain by drinking it...
I'm not saying going to the volleyball games drunk on Tuesday night was a bad idea I'm just saying we shouldn't make a routine of it.
Do you think I can wear the dress I went to jail in with the shoes I went to prom in to the wedding tonight?
When you passed out on the kitchen counter she brushed and flossed your teeth, then carried/dragged you to bed. Why aren't you married?
Pretty sure the cab driver can even smell the sex coming from between my legs
Beer is acceptable at 830am if it's your bday, right?
I dreamt of sea otters and your boobs. My two favorite things.
I finally fell asleep and like an hour later he wakes me up and says "I've always to be woken up w a blowjob." Um, that's not how it works asshole.
Have you ever felt like autocorrect is judging you with its suggested words? Like how it won't suggest certain words until you type in pretty much the entire word, is it just thinking 'No way did this dude use "consent laws" in the same sentence as "17th?" Or is that just me.
He went down on me and then made me breakfast in bed. He's a man you can bring home to mom.
Anyway, that's been my evening- crying and looking up diabetes symptoms. How was your night?
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