Dude my mom stole all your condoms
My dad just told me he used to masturbate to cat woman...he then proceeded to beat my brother in beer pong and wont let me play...
If I pass out leave the food near me so i can wake up to it
I just saw at least a dozen senior citizens on roller blades. way to drunk for this.
We didn't even make it to the door before they came out saying we weren't allowed in because of last time..
This time, try to not get fingered in the middle of the living room.
I DIDNT GET FINGERED
I was rubbed
I was dressed in monkey onesie serving people vodka jelly with a spoon...
We found him wrapped up in a giant table umbrella in the bathroom.
He professed his love for me while I danced on a picnic table with a bottle of Absolut. I said thank you and walked away.
I just got a voicemail from some strange woman with a Russian accent. Are you ok?
THANKS BE TO BLACK BABY JESUS IN HIS LITTLE GOLDEN DIAPER FOR BLESSING ME WITH NOT PREGNANT
Do not try to steal a picnic table from a park, all you will end up with are sore arms and broken dreams.
But I am still fully ok with my life choices as long as the consequences aren't onesies and pacifiers
I left at 4:30 in the morning and I told him it was because I had to take my contacts out
Thanks for making me a drunk burrito last night and cutting it into bite size pieces, I always knew you were a keeper.
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