He wanted to take me out and said we could "go huntin in the woods."
Made out with some random "plus sized" young lady. She let me kiss her boobies. It was like I was 6 months old again.
are you serious? he told me he had to cancel bc his grandma came into town
well unless his grandma is 21 and blonde, HE LIED TO YOU IDIOT
The Swedes wanted a tensome.
She looked at it and said "your dick is like the golden gate bridge."
Hey man, sorry I chased you around the house with a small table.
This santa hat i wore to the bar, served it's dual purpose as a vomit bag.
Wow, I just woke up in this conference with the woman beside me staring at me. This is what happens when hungover people sit in warm rooms...
I'm surprised I don't have a permanent face imprint between my boobs.
I think my dove chocolate wrapper just told me to masturbate.
I just woke up to a ten minute voicemail of you sobbing about the X-Men. Stop getting drunk and watching Marvel movies.
BUT WOLVERINE IS SO TORMENTED AND JUST WANTS TO BE LOVED
shut up and let me use my vagina as a weapon of self destruction in peace!
THIS IS EXACTLY WHY YOU SHOULDA FUCKED BEFORE YOU MADE HIM YOUR BOYFRIEND, CURVED DICKS ARE NOT OK
He flew in from NY last night. We had sex in the back of my car in the airport parking lot and then he fed me fresh Babka (from Breads Bakery) as I drove him home. I can't decide if I love him or Babka more.
The playlist was "songs to sing in the shower". I literally got fucked to Footloose.
Randomize
