Ikea night.
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Insert tab A into swedish slot B
So I have $4.22 in my bank account, just wrote a check for a tooth brush from quikmart, and bought a 25 cent condom from the bathroom. i don't know whats more sad, my bank account or the fact that i'm entrusting my entire future to a condom machine that was probably last filled in 1970
we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
I discovered the grieving process is shock, denial, anger...and then something about drinking until you puke on yourself
My New Years Resolution is to come up with a new resolution monthly. January: decrease my shotgunning consumption speed to 7 seconds or less.
Saw the college gyno today. It has now been medically confirmed that I have a perfect vagina.
He's either jacking off or listening to Kanye West.
best. trip. ever. this is going to be too much fun. petland isnt going to know what hit them.
At 27 it's no longer called 'slutty', it's called having a healthy sex life...
I woke up this morning and the lid to the back of my toilet was missing. Dahfaq do I do with this shit?
A homeless guy wouldnt accept my granola bar because he didnt have any teeth. I think i win the prize for the ultimate rejection
Truth be told it's significantly easier to get over someone when they file a police report on you
he's been dating her for 18 months and cheating on her with me for 16. if that's not commitment, i don't know what is.
We live walking distance from the coors factory. no, we do not have a dry week.
Bahahaha I just turned on the fan in front of the elliptical to avoid puking//try to get some baywatch hair going and the guy next to me thanked me because he was "getting nauseas from the smell of stale sweat and tequila"
Randomize
