Raise your hand if you bought 2 annoying girls shots of water. CLOWNS.
OK...I gotta go get strawberry short cake cakes and knee pads
I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
Seriously. Doesn't matter if I went out last night, work is like crafts class w.a side of facebook
Tonight's trip to the ER was brought to you by, "fork jousting."
I recommend you throw your keys as far as you can in one direction, your phone as far as you can in the opposite direction, and hold on.
I didnt want you guys to know I needed to puke, so I just nonchalantly did in my solo cup and threw it out the window
Well that's my green light to bang ur brother. Its not real til its on fb
god, I have more takeout restaurants in my contacts than friends
A gay guy went down on me in the club bathroom and then fixed my makeup for me
its gonna be a great night
I just wanna be able to fart and do my homework but he won't leave
You fell in the corner and refused to get up unless someone helped you. And then you crawled under the pool table and took a nap.
A 'Bear Fight' is a car bomb followed by a Jaeger bomb. Fuckface and I do those on slow days. Tonight, we did a 'Polar Bear on Fire'. Fireball, a bear fight in the middle, and end with rumple minze.
I made friends at the beach bars tonight. Several were worried for my well being.
You asked to borrow my glasses for a moment. Then you whipped them at someone's head.
He thought it would be sexy if he found my clothes and dressed me, and it was..until he found a thong under his bed and assumed it was mine. It wasn't
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